I think I’ve fully recovered from our Crazy Christmas. My foray into the woods on New Years Day did wonders for my spirit. Going back to a familiar trail brought back so many memories, leading me to reflect on who I was 10 years ago (a girl struggling through the pain of addiction) and who I am today (a woman more confident in who she is and what she believes). Plunging down hills and racing up the ravines of the snow-covered trail was thrilling, I had the biggest smile on my face. I stopped a few times to just drink it all in: the cold air, the deep snow, the quiet.
I’d like to say that I came out of the woods with clarity, but it seems that the opposite is true: I emerged with questions. At one point I stopped, looked at the sky and said aloud, “Where am I?” Thinking both literally and figuratively. Buried deep in the woods I wondered at my relation to everything outside the woods and more abstractly my relationship with everything in my life now: my kids, my husband my friends. Where do I fit in? What is my purpose?
Where am I?
My transition to stay at home mom hasn’t been the smoothest. Although I feel incredibly blessed to have a husband who provides for us so I can have the luxury of raising our children, I often struggle with this feeling that my dreams have gone unrealized, leading me to disconnect and withdraw from the here and now. Where am I? I am in between. I haven’t fully embraced the role of stay at home mom. I know that. Though it may appear that I do, I can feel that I am not fully engaged, I’m still driven by an agenda, a need for accomplishment and positive feedback.
Heading into 2013, I’ve set several intentions: to be more engaged with the everyday, to let go of the part of me that needs to accomplish every task on my to-do list in order to feel valid, and to balance these intentions with my running goals. Tricky. But I’m gonna give it a shot.
What are your goals/intentions for 2013? Where do you go to find clarity/think deeply?
–Sarah
I totally understand the “what’s my purpose” feeling, especially when you look back and remember career goals, life dreams, that don’t seem to match up to…taking care of babies all day. But look at your life…it’s so much bigger. You’re writing, you’ve created a blog, you’re involved in a lot. I think the best life is a balanced home and work and service life and I think you’re on that path. Who knows where these pathways will lead you in a few years? Maybe you’ll go back to work full-time. Maybe you will work with women in eating disorder recovery. Maybe you will even blog full time. Maybe you’ll do something completely different. It’s exciting in a way to not know. But I completely relate!
Sarah, I know exactly how you feel. I think the reason I enjoy running / blogging / twitter so much is that it creates a set of goals that I can focus on. Without them, I felt like I was just flailing around when I transitioned to a stay at home mom. I felt lost – felt like I had no identity. Having goals – esp with running and blogging – give these to me. I have finally learned to not be so OCD with the house. I was becoming obsessed with keeping it perfectly clean, vacuumed and found that it was totally consuming me. At the end of the week, what could I really say I accomplished?? It wasn’t fulfilling me. So yes, there are days when things aren’t as tidy as I’d like them to be – but I’m a happier person now =)
I get you with the housework! I used to try to have everything done: clean house, all laundry done and put away. It is absolutely impossible now, I’d kill myself trying! haha. So I love having goals for running and blogging too:) Hoping to get personal training certified this year too!