I think I’ve fully recovered from our Crazy Christmas. My foray into the woods on New Years Day did wonders for my spirit. Going back to a familiar trail brought back so many memories, leading me to reflect on who I was 10 years ago (a girl struggling through the pain of addiction) and who I am today (a woman more confident in who she is and what she believes). Plunging down hills and racing up the ravines of the snow-covered trail was thrilling, I had the biggest smile on my face. I stopped a few times to just drink it all in: the cold air, the deep snow, the quiet.
I’d like to say that I came out of the woods with clarity, but it seems that the opposite is true: I emerged with questions. At one point I stopped, looked at the sky and said aloud, “Where am I?” Thinking both literally and figuratively. Buried deep in the woods I wondered at my relation to everything outside the woods and more abstractly my relationship with everything in my life now: my kids, my husband my friends. Where do I fit in? What is my purpose?
My transition to stay at home mom hasn’t been the smoothest. Although I feel incredibly blessed to have a husband who provides for us so I can have the luxury of raising our children, I often struggle with this feeling that my dreams have gone unrealized, leading me to disconnect and withdraw from the here and now. Where am I? I am in between. I haven’t fully embraced the role of stay at home mom. I know that. Though it may appear that I do, I can feel that I am not fully engaged, I’m still driven by an agenda, a need for accomplishment and positive feedback.
Heading into 2013, I’ve set several intentions: to be more engaged with the everyday, to let go of the part of me that needs to accomplish every task on my to-do list in order to feel valid, and to balance these intentions with my running goals. Tricky. But I’m gonna give it a shot.
What are your goals/intentions for 2013? Where do you go to find clarity/think deeply?