Yesterday, I read Lisa’s post A Letter of Apology to My Body. It struck a chord. I am coming up on four years of “sobriety” from bulimia, that milestone coupled with my postpartum running experience is causing me to pause and reflect on the way I have treated my body over the years. I have not been kind to it. I have always worn pushing myself to extremes as a badge of honor. But with experience and time has come the realization that such a badge is really no honor at all, least of all for my own body.
I was inspired by Lisa to do the same and write a letter to my own body. As I mulled over the idea in my mind I realized that the exercise was reminiscent of the eighth step of the twelves steps of Eating Disorders Anonymous: to make amends. I have made amends with those who were hurt by my bulimic behavior, most notably my husband. But I have never made amends with my own body: the body that suffered the most abuse at the hand of my addiction. Here is my letter of amends to my own body:
In amends to my body:
There are no visible scars of the abuse you have received. Most of the damage done is on the inside. I have waged war against you, against the shape of your thighs, against the softness of your belly, against the curve of you hips. I’ve measured your worth by the number on a scale and by calories consumed. I’ve ruled over you like a ruthless dictator, forcing you to submit to distorted ideas. And I am sorry.
I am sorry for the way I have despised you. The hateful things I’ve told you, manipulating you to submission. Making you walk the path into the addiction of an eating disorder.
I am sorry I deprived you of food. Starved you for days until your hair fell out and your ribs showed through your skin. Your once thick hair is now permanently thin.
I am sorry that I forced food into you and then forced it out. I am sorry that for years my daily routine was to binge, purge, take laxatives and run. I’m sorry for the damage I’ve done to your throat, your mouth, your gums, your teeth. It is damage that cannot be reversed.
I am sorry that I’ve pushed you to perform when you have needed rest. I’m sorry that when you were meeting the demands of carrying a child, I demanded still more and made you run.
I am sorry for my arrogance and ignorance. For these you have paid a price.
I have not been a good steward of this vessel I have been given. I have been ruthless and careless and I am sorry. I know that you are capable of amazing things, you are strong and resilient. You are beautiful. You deserve to be nurtured. You deserve grace. And in the next years grace is what I will give you.
With grace and love,
Sarah
I would encourage you to consider doing this exercise. Whether or not you write it down, reflecting on the way you have treated your body over the years is an excellent start to a healthier and more balanced life.
–Sarah
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This is fantastic. Heartbreaking, beautiful. Honest. I was just writing on a banter tumblr I have about how far I have come, how I will never look back and how thankful I am that my body agreed to give me a second go at this whole ‘thriving’ thing. I’m working on a series right now exploring this that will go on my blog soon. Eighteen months ago I chose recovery and truly dedicated myself to it, and now? I finally feel like I can say “I am recovered,” smile when I finish and mean every bit of it. My husband and I are creeping up on our one year anniversary and are slowly beginning to talk about children; I cannot imagine having that conversation now had I not taken the recovery road for myself.
Thank you as always for sharing. It really means a lot, as it strikes so close to home.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment Christina:) It makes me so happy to hear that your recovery is going to well. When I reflect on what I have done to my body it IS heartbreaking. Now I think of it in terms of my own daughter, Sophia: if she were doing to her body what I once did. I love her fiercely and want to protect her with all my being. I should be as fierce and protective with my own body, I know my mother would be.
I am speechless, I wept after the second line. I am inspired by your courage and I have the deepest compassion for you. I understand you completely. I am so honored that my letter inspired you to do the same, we’re all in this together.
Thank YOU Lisa for providing the inspiration for this post:)
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Thank you for this letter, it came the perfect time for me. Ive never understood people who had drug or alcohol addictions and K have quite often referenced the verse from Thesalonians “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?” WHAT A HYPOCRITE! Abusing my own body is just as bad. I have always used the exuse that, “it’s healthy” “it’s good to run” “it’s good to eat healthy” Over the years anorexia and compulsive exercize have controlled me. I fight those demons every day. After having Clara I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to drop the weight, but Breastfeeding put me down 10lbs from my PP weight in just 4 months. I’ve recently found myself back checking the scale daily, hearing that “you could be thinner” voice come back, lying about eating to my husband, hating eating in front of people, getting into arguments with family… This post helped me realize it’s time to pull it together, to not let myself fall back into that evil cycle!!
Thank you!
Meredith, I’m glad that this post was timely and relevant for you. I know that along the journey to recovery there are so many times when we need a little encouragement, a little redirection, a reminder to stay focused. I’m so glad that what I wrote could do that for you. Prayers and hugs your way!
I so appreciate your honesty in sharing your story with us. It is beautiful and heartbreaking and I can relate to many different parts of this.
Thank you Christine, I appreciate that you take the time to read and comment:) Means so much!
Hard to read, but beautiful conclusion. Much, much love to you!
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You are a STRONG woman! Thank you for being humble and honest. May your writing bless, encourage and help many others! Love you, from a very proud Mom!!!
Reblogged this on trigrandmatry and commented:
This is a repost from my daughter, Sarah’s blog. She is an inspiration to me, and I hope you will read her blog and be encouraged!!!
Wow! that’s all I can say. I have goose bumps. You have come so far and have developed into such a wise person. Beautiful post! HUGS!!
I read her post as well, so inspiring! I love that you chose to write a post as a follow up to it.
Thank you!
These are all so great and insightful. No one is ever perfect. You can try, but there has to be some level of acceptance. I thiink acceptance in life, of others, of things we can’t control, etc. helps make you a happier individual.
So true! Thanks for stopping my and commenting
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