Six years ago I couldn’t indulge without purging. Indulging in my mind, meant too many calories and that meant gaining weight and that meant getting “fat.” And I didn’t want any of that. So indulging meant bingeing and bingeing meant purging.
If I ate more that I was “supposed to” (which was largely distorted and completely unquantifiable) then guilt would ensue and gilt would lead to fear and fear would lead to purging.
A few weeks ago I found myself dealing with guilt after having indulged in a lot of really good food. I was hungry, but I ate beyond being satisfied. I indulged. And when I thought back over that indulgence I wasn’t completely happy with the decisions I had made. I didn’t really “need” that large quantity of food, but I wanted it and it tasted good so I ate. And then I felt a little twang of guilt. It reminded me of the gigantic weight of guilt that I used to feel, it was the same but only an inkling of what I used to feel and with not nearly as much power.
At this point in my life, six years sober from bulimia, I handle guilt from indulging much differently than I used to. Now I know that the fear I felt of gaining weight was distorted. And I understand that my body will seek balance. When I indulge and allow my body to sit with it (instead of purging) I know that my body will seek balance. That I may not be hungry at the next meal time and that’s OK. And I may crave healthy, fresh food the next day. And that’s OK. And I may feel sluggish because of what I ate and that’s OK. And I may have a desire to get out and move and get fresh air because that’s what my body is desiring and that’s OK too.
I’ve learned that indulging isn’t the end of the world and if I quiet the guilt and the fear then my body will naturally seek balance if I let it.
With thanksgiving just around the corner I think it’s important to be able to indulge without guilt. Life is filled with seasons, there’s and ebb and flow to what we do and how we live. Last winter and spring I was in “training mode,” I rarely indulged and was careful to put in my body food that would fuel it optimally for the demands I was putting on it. And now I’m not training, I’m pregnant and I’m craving HOT things and SALTY things and MORE. And that’s OK. I’m not in a season of training, I’m in a season of growing another human being. And even if I wasn’t growing another human being, this is a season of celebration and during that time I like to eat GOOD FOOD, without guilt and without fear.
If you find yourself ruled by guilt and fear when it comes to eating. Maybe now’s a good time to give yourself permission to indulge. To allow your body to find balance. You may be surprised at how naturally your body seeks to balance out whatever you’ve indulged in. And you might find that it is OK.
Give thanks! Celebrate and be OK with it.
-Sarah
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Jo says
Thank you Sarah. I’m only just beginning to try to allow this balance, and I’ve been struggling to trust it. It’s a good time for me to read this post.
This is great Sarah, you are going to be such a source of comfort for so many people who are coming out the other side of this, and you are a great pillar of support for us all. I sometimes feel guilt when I overdo it, and thankfully I am able to find that peace that says it will make me stronger, that food will turn to fuel, but it can be hard. Thank you for being so brave and honest. Love you my friend!
Balance is good. I have come to appreciate food for the fuel and nourishment that it provides my body. Food has become a path to health, feeling good from -the -inside- out and for fueling my running. I will be 40 years old this April and food and fitness are a healthy part of my life-fitness and healthy eating keep my perimenopause hormones balanced and I have pretty much eliminated my cystic acne breakouts. Trust me I have my have my salty sweet, non organic moments and I just roll with it, but eating healthy does keep my mind and body happy! I hope everyone has a healthy, stressfree holiday:)
This is beautiful. I love the concept of enjoying the indulgences the season and allowing the body to find the balance without punishment.
I always admire your strength and honesty. While on different levels (some healthy and some not), I think everyone goes through feelings of guilt after indulging. Your insight here is so important and such a great message to share. I have always felt enjoying all things in moderation is what works best for me. And, I agree, the holidays are a great time to indulge a little! Thanks so much for sharing your story 🙂
Indulging for me is certainly having a little more of an “unhealthy” food than I should but I am very careful to not get to the point where I feel stuffed- even if the food is healthy. I just don’t like that feeling. Allowing yourself to indulge is okay, as long as it makes you feel good afterward and not bad - that’s where finding the balance you talk about comes in. Sometimes you just have to satisfy a craving or a sweet tooth.
I’m not bulimic, but I have really struggled with “anorexia athletica” (according to my therapist..but really, I just call it working out too much and disordered eating patterns) anyhow, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your honesty when it comes to your past and current eating “hangups” for lack of a better word, it makes me feel like I am not alone!
This is a great reminder!! it’s always better to keep a healthier relationship with food and to understand that there are days when we just want a little more sugar. And like you said no need to beat yourself up…it’s ok!! I love it!!
I love this!!! As someone who is usually watching every single thing she puts in her mouth in the name of “training” I can totally relate to the guilt (and sluggishness) of indulging. I definitely wrestle with some bad feelings toward eating too much, but you’re 100% correct about your body seeking balance and finding it. I plan on indulging this holiday and now, I’ll feel a lot less guilty. 🙂
These reminders and words are helpful to so many people out there, myself included. Sometimes the holidays can give me a lot of increased anxiety because I know there will be a lot of food, treats, and sweets everywhere, and less time to work out and exercise. However, the last thing I want to do is sit around a table with family and friends on Thanksgiving and feel stressed or guilty. This was a great reminder that it’s ok to relax, indulge a little, and enjoy the people around me.
Stephanie says
You really hit that spot on. Thank you for this post! You are truly an inspiration. You have so much to be proud of.