Sometimes it’s good to go back and re-read old posts. I wrote this post two years ago, right around eight months postpartum with my son Jack. At the time I had lost most of the baby weight but wanted to ditch the rest. But felt conflicted, as you’ll read. I’m feeling the same conflict now: I’ve lost most of the baby weight, but would like to ditch the rest. I know that it will come off naturally when I start to run more (I’m just running twice a week now), but there’s part of me that doesn’t want to wait. And that part of me thought that counting calories last week would be a “good way to gauge where I’m at.” I used to count calories religiously, it was consuming and became obsessive. When I started to eat intuitively over six years ago all of that changed and I naturally arrived at a weight I’d always been striving for. So you’d think that years later I would have learned that going back to counting calories as a method to lose the baby weight is futile. And as I could have predicted my foray in to counting calories last week lead not to a jump start in weight loss, but to weight gain. Then I came across this old post and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I needed a little bit of my own advice; to be reminded of the wisdom I’ve gained from past experiences. I’m headed into this week with a new perspective and a little bit more patience to allow my body to do what it needs to do. -Sarah
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Last night I was trying to explain to Sophia the word “compatible.” I tried to condense the meaning into three-year old speak: “compatible means they work together,” I said. It was all in reference to our iPod dock and which iPhones and iPods could or could not be charged on said dock. Our conversation came to an end but I kept thinking about this idea of compatibility in regards to two, seemingly conflicting ideas that have batting around my head lately: can I accept my body and still want to change it? Are those two sentiments compatible?
For the most part I have come to a place of acceptance and contentment with the body that I have, if I had not I’d still be bent over a toilet bowl after every meal. I used to loath my body, consumed by the thought of changing it through drastic measures: purging. Now my body, my weight and appearance, is an afterthought taking a backseat to life and all its joys and responsibilities.
But last week I came face to face with the fact that the body I feel content with on a daily basis is not the body I see in my race photos. In my mind I feel strong and lean: my arms can hoist small children high above my body, my legs can run fast around a track or pound out mile after mile on a country road, my belly has been expanded to house small babies and then I’ve given birth to those babies. But when I look at the photos from my last race (the race where I ditched my shirt and hat and ran in only a sports bra. gasp!) my critical eyes see a body that looks soft and weak: arms with no visible evidence of muscle, a soft belly that jiggles with every step, thick legs with the dimples of cellulite, a stride that makes me look more like a lumbering elephant than a bounding gazelle. I’d dwell on these thoughts for a moment, dismiss them with a quick thought of acceptance for my body and then carry on with my day.
Last week I had nothing but critique for my body as pictured in these photos. Not the feeling I had on race day. On race day I felt confident and strong, proud of my body even.
But dismissing these critical thoughts and simply telling myself that my body is acceptable as it is, or by reading the encouraging comments at the end of my post that “you are beautiful,” has not brought lasting resolution. There is a tension here between these two ideas: between the idea of being content and of wanting to change, and tension always pushes towards resolution. But does resolution mean choosing one or the other?
It seems to me that these two ideas are in a dynamic relationship. Contentment is not a destination at which we can arrive, it is an active endeavor and requires vigilance, it means weeding through thoughts of discontent and deciding which ones are constructive and which are destructive. And discontent is not definitively negative, a certain level of discontent can be healthy. Critically thinking about the way that live can yield growth.
I thought of it in terms of my three-year old daughter Sophia. We unconditionally accept and love who she is, but there are moments when we do not accept or condone her behavior and we seek to change it. It is not one of the other, it is dynamic, fluid constantly changing and evolving. So it is with our relationship with our bodies: there must be over arching acceptance and a vigilance for contentment, but there can also be a desire to change.
When I think about the critical voices that picked apart my appearance in my race photos it is clear to me that those are destructive voices. They come from a place of insecurity, brought on by exposure to images of women who have what I think will make me happy: muscular arms, hard abs, lean legs. Those feelings of insecurity undermine my contentment and ultimately my happiness. But there can be constructive discontent, like the discontent I feel with my 5K PR because I know that with proper training and coaching I am capable of running much faster. Or the discontent I feel at the end of the week when I know I didn’t do as much core work as a should have, not because I want a six pack but because I know that a strong core will protect my body from injury and allow me to keep running hard. The discontent that pushes us to excellence, to work at whatever you do with all our heart, that is the discontent that is healthy.
I would not necessarily say that we want to find a balance between these two things, because I think finding a balance implies that they are of equal value at all times. No, there are times when being content must outweigh our desire to change. And there are times when we set aside our contentedness to push ourselves that much further. Do they work together? Maybe? I’m not sure. It seems the idea of accepting my body and wanting to change it is a dynamic, fluid relationship. One which I have not mastered…but I hope to some day.
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What do you think? Are you content with your body? How do you silence those (destructive) critical voices? What critical voices are healthy? How do you differentiate between the two?
-Sarah
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I love this post! I’ve been struggling with exact concept. You see, there are times, I feel like it is so unfair to keep pushing ourselves for excellence. It will never happen. Whether its our body, our parenting, our running. We can never be excellent. Gasp! Did I just say that and offend every goal setting person? Yes. But, our excellence can only come from our acceptance of our imperfection and need for the love of Christ. In all things, he deserves the glory. And, that does not mean we don’t push ahead, but the things that steal our attention away from his perfect love are the things that are not compatible. Just some of my thoughts from my own week. A six pack, a PR cannot compare to peace in knowing I’m accepted by God on no merit.
Love you!!
I totally agree! I started to put in a paragraph about the pursuit of excellence and how if that is our means to contentment we will never be content (or happy or free). contentment only comes if we free and freedom only comes through christ…but it started to get really long and I couldn’t bring it around to the conclusion so I opted to save it for another post on another day:)
Such an delicate and important topic. I believe we must treat our body as if it were our child. We would never be so critical or harsh to our children, so why then do we berate ourselves? When those critical voices arise in my mind, I think of my body as a defenseless child. If my child was not living their best life, I would encourage them in a positive way explaining that change does not happen over night… I have the perfect quote “Being content does not mean that you don’t desire more, it means you’re thankful for what you have and paient for what’s to come” -Tony Gaskin Being grateful and content for what you have does not mean that you can’t continue and strive for more. xoxo The power of positive thought be with you sweet love! PS: how about a rave?
I love your quote and really think that the part about patience is key. It is hard to be patient for change and to work hard for it in the face of setbacks and discouragement. But you are right about the analogy of caring for our children: we want to nurture them, help them to flourish and grow and sometimes that requires discipline and sometimes that requires grace. Its the wisdom to know which one is right at which point.
I definitely think you can have both.
I lost 110 pounds by counting calories and swimming. I became an athlete and watched my body change. I’ve been maintaining my weight loss for 5 years now and for the last two or so, I’ve been focusing more on strength training. I would like to change my body in positive ways. Not lose more weight, but tone my body. Losing that much weight does not do good things to skin!
But I’m not loathing my body, just striving to be fitter. Weight lifting has given me confidence I never had before!
Lisa, sounds like you have been on an amazing journey! I think striving to be fitter is so important. I know that right after having a baby I accepted my body for what it had just done, but I wasn’t going to sit back and let that baby weight stay off. No doubt I wanted it gone. But I didn’t let it be the deciding factor for my worth or confidence…sounds like you’re doing the exact same thing. Confident in who you are and how far you come, but still striving to be a better you! Way to go!
Nicole Culver (@NicoleCulver) says
I don’t know the answer here, but I love the quote that Lisa posted above. I feel the same as you…feel strong, but don’t see evidence of that strength, but at the same time I’m content and grateful for what my body is able to do. great post sarah.
Thanks Nicole. It is a tough place to feel torn between the two, but I think a medium can be reached. Its all about having the wisdom to know what is right at what time:)
Nic says
Awesome post. I think you got it right, that we can be content and want to change at the same time. I feel that is how you get towards where you should be. You accept the Now (especially when you look at it as compared to the the Past) and aim for the Future.
Thanks for joining the conversation. Love what you said about accepting the Now and aiming for the future.
This is a wonderful post. I do the same I feel content with my body but I know it can be better so I keep trying. Same with my eating habits, I know they are okay but there is room for improvement.
Wow this is a great topic. I admit that I’m guilty of complaining about my post baby eraatfeeding body here and there on my blog but reading your words about yourself hurt me. Could you imagine saying those things about a friend or sister?
I never figured out how I ended up with such a health relationship to my body and food. I struggled with the typical self hate and dieting as a teenager and college student but then somehow something magically clicked and I’ve always been the most mentally healthy woman in any room of women when it came to weight, self image, food etc. I honestly and truly will never hate my body or deny myself any food in a negative way ever. It’s just something that freed me so deepy. It’s unshakeable. So even though now I objectively know I am not as thin as I was when I’m at my fittest. I don’t mind. I am happy. And I know for me I can joke about my breast feeding boobs and tummy because I’m okay with myself in this moment of my life. But only you know deep inside yourself if your efforts to work out or eat healthy are from a aincerely well adjusted place. Hugs mama. When I said you looked beautiful in your race photos I meant beautiful. Not a feel good everyone is beautiful beautiful but beautiful. You’re running fast, feeding a baby and you look lovely. Be easy on yourself.
I know I am more critical on myself than anyone else would ever be…why? Not sure. Just those internal demons that tell me I’m not good enough as I am. Still working on silencing those:) I love your confidence in your body! It is evident in the way you write and I’m sure that Anna is gonna be one confident young lady some day with you as her example! Thanks for the beautiful props:) I don’t think anyone ever feels they look good in race photos. haha:)
I think a lot of people are afraid to say that they aren’t content with their body. If, by expressing frustration or room to improve, that somehow they don’t love themselves or have self worth. However, I don’t think contentment in one’s physical appearance is necessary to feel self worth. Or I hope not. I am not one to shy away from that fact that I don’t like the way I look. Period. I have experienced significant weight loss, and there are things that cannot be calorie-counted and exercised away - extra belly skin, arm flaps, thigh bulges. I know that I either need to accept them or start saving. Saying this, though, doesn’t mean I don’t take pride in the muscle tone in my arms or the distances my body carries me. When I get too down, I like to think of my “flaws” as battle scars of a war hard fought.
You point out a really important distinction! Self worth and contentment are not the same thing. I totally agree. I think sometimes when we get into talking about these “feelings” language often fails us in describing the complexity of what we really feel. And congrats to you on a hard fought war! Transforming your body to be able to carry you further or lift more is an amazing feat!
Amanda Naro (@amandanaro) says
Great post Sarah and my opinion is that you can have both feelings at the same time. Pre-pregnancy I was the same weight for a very long time (over 10 years) but as I got older my body changed in various ways but I was always happy with it. However, the one thing I will ALWAYS want to change is to be taller haha Being uner 5ft, I’d be happy to just make the 5ft mark to make clothes fitting me better that much easier. Something I can’t change though! And I’ve long accepted it but the thought it always there especially when shopping. I’m sure I’ll have a whole new perspective once I’m Post-Pregnancy though. I think body issues/battles are things everyone fights.
By the way, when you posted that race photo (at the finish line) I thought to myself, wow, she looks great! Especially considering she has had two kids.. one being only last fall! 🙂
I’ve always wanted to be taller too! Haha. And I’m 5’7:) Thanks for joining the conversation! I love your thoughtful comments.
It takes strength to write about this topic, because we so often sweep it aside. As a male my perspective is somewhat different, but I can certainly point to race photos where I did not feel like I looked that way. The stark reality can be unsettling, but coming to terms with who you are—your body, your “self”—can be freeing a liberating from the shackles so often put on us by society. We each need to come to content with ourself, and your post captures that quite beautifully. Awesome stuff, and congrats on the race finish.
Love getting a male perspective on this! I think that a lot of us start to feel insecure about our bodies when we measure them against external standards (society or societal sub cultures ie fitness/running etc). And I don’t think any of us like the way we look in race photos! haha!
Such a hard topic!!
Yes - I think we can (and often do) accept our bodies even if we would like to change parts of it!!
For me, that is what keeps me running, lifting and sweating - the motivation to love my body for what it can do and also for the image I see in the mirror.
Great post!!
I definitely think that being active can be a great way to care for our bodies. Thanks for joining in the conversation!
Jen says
This is a great post and a topic that affects so many. I try to make it a priority everyday to keep what is important and really matters as my focus. I have struggled with an eating disorder and know that when it comes to your body that perfect image changes. For me it was a weight goal but once I got there I was still not happy and lowered that goal. I now focus on God, my family and friends and train to be strong and a good example to my kids. Running marathons and races has helped to keep me on track. I used to only run to keep weight off and so I could eat something. As silly as that sounds to me I still have my weak moments. I just remember that God is not concerned with a number on a scale and that is NOT what defines me!
I have done 3 marathon, am doing a 1/2in 2 weeks and my husband and I are doing another full in oct! My 9 & 11 year old girls just did a kids marathon of 2.62 miles! It was a blast!!! Thanks for such a good post
thanks for commenting and opening up about your own story! So important to remember our priorities. I used to run to burn calories, now I run because I want to be the best can possibly be.
Really great post Sarah and such an interesting discussion. It is a delicate balance and I don’t think that we ever “reach” a destination, you know? I think that it’s always a work in progress, our relationship with our bodies. This reminds me of something I was reading recently about the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving - how perfectionism is about earning approval and acceptance, the belief that if we live a perfect life we can minimize the pain of blame and judgement and how healthy striving is really about growth and improvement. I think that even if we looked “perfect” as we do in our mind’s eye, we still won’t be satisfied with it because we can never live up to the expectations and perception of perfection. It’s definitely something that I struggle with all the time. I look and feel strong and healthy but then I know that I’m still dissatisfied when I look in the mirror at times.
Thanks Christine. I love what you shared about perfectionism vs. healthy striving. I think that it is so easy to get caught up in trying to be perfect (or at least our idea of perfect as impacted by society) and we end up discontent and constantly feeling “not good enough.” Contentment really is a work in progress and not a place at which we can arrive.
I also can relate to this post! I, too, have the same debate w/ myself! I have accepted that I have had 2 babies and areas are not as tight and tone as I would like them to be, but I also work my tail off to try to get them looking more like I would like them to. I think that if I did not strive to improve my body-I would stop working out! In my quest to become thin, I fell in love w/ distance running-not sure how-b/c I used to hate running. Now, I am able to view my legs for the strength that they have to carrry me 13.1 miles, not just the cottage cheese I despise since baby #2. I noticed how beautiful you look in picture 1 b/c of the big smile on your face! I can see that you were truly happy at that moment and to me that creates physical beauty! It looks like when you are running that you let go of your body hang ups and ditched the shirt b/c you were just down right hot and it felt better that way-I love that you did that! Looking at pics is very hard for me too-I went through a similar situation in college and it actually took seeing pics for me to realize that I was too thin and did not look healthy. I think you are amazing and it’s ok for us to view ourselves as a work in progress b/c that continues to give us motivation to run another day-a bit faster or longer:)! Keep rocking it out and KNOW that you look very strong!
Erin thanks for sharing your story! And thanks so much for your encouraging words.
I’ve been on a very similar path to you, my bubs is almost a year old now, and although I feel fine with where my body is - I ran my first half about a month ago and now continuing to train for a full in a few months, my stomach is soo sooo squishy, now I could do oodles of ab training like I did before I had my kid but my motivation is just off - and like you, I see the goals that I have attained and they are awesome! So just like you, I’m happy but not happy. I keep thinking for myself is that we are going to have the second child sooner rather than later so part of me keeps telling myself I’ll get back to my less squishy stomach after the second kid…
Jade thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation! It can be so hard post-baby, to be proud of the body that just gave birth but at the same time want to change it. I’ve used my clothes as a guide instead of the scale, which helps a bit. But i totally get that happy but not happy feeling you mentioned:)
This feels like a time warp. I remember reading this post the first time, and remembered that I commented too. Right now I’m “39 weeks” post partum, so basically the same amount of time after I had baby #2 to how long baby #2 was in. I know a lot of things have changed since I wrote that comment, including how things happened with #2 and all of that. I still have that squishy stomach - fully admit didn’t work on it, also have a nice case of diastis recti, and instead of being like +5 pounds in that comment, I’m now +25 pounds and I feel like I’ve completely fall apart mentally and physically.
This was a nice reminder of how to switch up my mind set as I have been such a negative nancy about myself but then also to laugh at myself as we now have been talking about having a third… oh vey!
I can’t think you enough for writing this post. As the mother of two beautiful daughters (12 and 5) I’ve been living in a world of self acceptance and contentment, but a desire to be better, stronger, leaner for a long time.
I never say negative things about my body outloud in front of my girls, but often think negative things all the time.
I’m learning to get rid of the negativity and focus on the constructive thoughts, but that isn’t always easy. I often find myself drifting from the thoughts that can help me push harder into the thoughts that make me feel bad about myself.
I want to be content and accepting of my body while striving to make it stronger and better at the same time.
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this crazy balancing act.
This is a great post. I find myself feeling strong and confident as well most of the time because of what my body is able to do, but then when I see pictures I don’t see how I feel. And I like the way you explained that they’re compatible and not that you should find a balance. I think it’s okay to feel differently at different times as long as we go back to realizing how strong our bodies are for letting us be endurance athletes and letting us do the things we want. Sometimes when I look at race pictures or other pictures I feel the same way you explained. Thanks for this post. I think there are many of us who feel this way
Thanks so much for commenting Meghan, I’m glad this post resonated with you! And I like what you said about realizing that we are strong!
Just found you via My Healthy Nest. Great post! We’re always our own worst critics, and our self perception seldom matches what others see. I look at your race pictures and see a strong, beautiful woman crossing the finish line! Now that I’ve been through two pregnancies and nursed both of my daughters through their first birthdays, I’ve come to realize that my body will never look or feel the same as it did before. And that’s ok! Deep down I know that having rock hard abs or super toned arms won’t make me happier. Besides, that’s not the example I want to set for my daughters. I want to set realistic expectations for them so they understand the importance of healthy living without going to extremes.
Such an excellent post Sarah! Challenging for me, to push myself and get back in shape, not because I can’t accept my body, but because I want to live a long time to have fun with all these Grandchildren that keep coming!! Thanks, and love you!
Love you mom!!
Excellent post. Although my kids are older, I still grapple with body image, perhaps now due more to aging than pregnancy. I think reminding myself that this same body is the one that gave me my 3 kids, and carries me through the miles is pretty amazing. I do try and work towards getting faster and stronger…forward progress, with grace!
Love what you said: forward progress with grace. So wise!
I really liked this post Sarah. It was honest, heart felt, and I could feel what your struggle is. Our bodies are amazing vessels. It is astounding that we can create and carry tiny humans. Yet it does change our bodies and the fight to get to where we want our bodies to be is not an easy one. My youngest is 21 months old and I have worked hard to get my body back to where it was before him. Reality is I am stronger than I have ever been and all my training has paid off and I do look good. That does not take away from the days I look in the mirror and still want to look better. I say that I am a “work in progress”. I believe no matter what we are always critical of ourselves and need to find that inner peace and accept the things we cannot change. It sounds like you are on the right track. You know what healthy is and are a wonderful example for your children!
We are all a work in progress and the journey is what it’s all about!
This is a powerful post. I haven’t run in almost 7 months and I try not to let body image get in the way of healing. I try not to look in the mirror and dwell on my fuller face, not so tight abs and the loss of quad muscles in my right leg. It is hard. I don’t want to feel vain and shallow, I just miss the old me. But I do have to say, that following the road that God has for me and trusting in him helps. My patience is being tested, but I know if I continue to lean on God, I can do hard things! 🙂
Thank you for sharing this Sarah.
I feel the same: miss the old me (and some of the clothes the old me can wear;) but we can do hard things! Hope you are on the mend!