How did you stop?
It’s a question I get asked frequently by women who are in the midst of a struggle that I know all to well. Though the memory of it has faded, when I close my eyes and think back to where I was almost six years ago my heart aches for the woman I used to be. I was trapped. A prisoner to the addiction of bulimia. Out of control and unable to stop my destructive behavior, every day was filled with dread, remorse, self-loathing and fear. And my addiction didn’t just permeate my waking hours, it haunted my dreams as well. I can remember on occasion dreaming I had binged and there was some impediment keeping me from being able to purge. The fear and anxiety so palpable I’d wake up in a panic.
I struggled with bulimia for nine years and prior to that, anorexia. The bulimia came about as I fumbled through my recovery from anorexia. Even though I’d gained the weight I was “supposed to,” the source of my disorder went unresolved. I did t look anorexic anymore, but I was still battling food and discontent with my body.
When I think of my nine years of struggle, every single one of those years my desire was to stop. But I couldn’t. So what was it that brought my disordered behavior to an end?
Belief. I believed with all my heart that I could be completely free. I believed I was made (by God) to be free. There were several doctors and mental health professionals in my recovery journey who told me that I would always struggle. I didn’t want to believe them, because if that was true I didn’t want to keep living the life they described. Believing that I could be free gave me hope and kept me seeking recovery and freedom year after year.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back. Recovery is rarely linear. It doesn’t often progress perfectly from one improvement to the next. There are setbacks and hiccups and do-overs. My recovery was filled with them and it bothered me. I wanted a perfectly predictable recovery with constant and continual improvement, but that didn’t happen. When I accepted that there would be setbacks BUT my overall momentum was taking me forward, then I was able to roll through a lot of my slip ups and keep moving forward. But it took me a while to get to that place of acceptance.
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Addiction. When I first started my recovery journey I thought of bulimia as a disorder, something that had happened to me. But the more I searched for the issues causing the disordered behavior the more I realized that the behaviors were an addiction. The more I treated my bulimia as and addiction and less as a disorder, the better I seemed to get. Working through the twelve steps of recovery from the book Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous helped me to see that I was powerless against my addiction, but it also gave me steps to change.
Tell the Truth. The more people I brought into my world of struggle the less power it seemed to have on me. Being open and honest is essential to breaking the power of addiction. There were several close friends and family members who knew my struggle. I wasn’t always honest and I didn’t always tell the truth, and I didn’t always pick up the phone when people called. But when I did it helped: I didn’t feel alone and it renewed my sense of hope that I could be free. Telling the truth is a catalyst for change.
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Reaching Rock Bottom. For some people who face addiction, you have to reach a turning point: a rock bottom, before you are willing and ready to make a change. Everyone has a different point at which they feel they have hit “rock bottom.” Mine came the day I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Unplanned and unexpected, when I finally received confirmation of the pregnancy I realized that I had been pregnant for over a month already. And in that month is binged and purged nearly every day. I thought of what that was doing to my body, my baby. In a moment of intense emotion, crying over the years of struggle and wondering when it would end a very clear picture popped into my head. The picture was of a toddler girl, knocking on a locked bathroom door asking for Mommy to come out. I knew that my struggle with bulimia wasn’t going to be compatible with becoming a mom. And even though I didn’t know the gender of the baby I was carrying, I knew that if it was a girl I would do anything in my power to make sure she didn’t walk the same road I had. And so I stopped. I made a deal with my self: if after nine months I wanted to go back to bingeing and purging I could. But for nine months, there would be no purging. That nine months has turned into six and half years of freedom, without relapse.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or if you know someone who is, please know that it is possible to be free. But you can’t do it alone. Please seek the help of a licensed medical professional in your journey to recovery.
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-Sarah
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Melody says
Beautiful story, Sarah! You are strong and brave - thanks for sharing. I’m so happy it’s been 9 years. <3
I hope people who are dealing with this read your story of hope!
Thank you for sharing these important aspects of recovery. So much of this rings true for my recovery story too. I’m really glad you mentioned how things shifted into bulimia as this is so common. Others see you and think, wow she’s better. She’s gained weight. But really that is so far from true and often leaves the person feeling more isolated and ashamed.
I was also told from health professionals that I would have this for the rest of my life and it was so defeating at the time. Being where I am now, fully recovered for 8+ years now, I see it differently- it is possible to live free from the grips of this devastating disease. You just need to remain self aware and grounded in what you learned along the way.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Amber says
Thank you so much for your openness and honesty! I too struggled with bulimia for 9 1/2 years, this week it will be 5 years that I’ve been free! I’m so thankful there IS a way out!! Keep shining!!
I love your honesty in this post. I lived with 2 roomates in university that both struggled with bulimia - and it is a hard cycle to break. So important to talk about this and let people know that it is possible to make lasting change.
first, congrats on 9 years free from this disorder/addiction. It’s so important to keep talking about things like this in the open. Also, I love that you shared feeling the addiction. Many people are in denial or not understanding that this is an addiction, and sometimes we may need to treat it as such. I see the struggle daily in my profession, and it’s refreshing to hear stories like yours:)
This is beautiful Sarah and I have goosebumps reading the part about having a daughter knocking on a locked bathroom door. You have incredible strength and I’m sure, though your continued insight and honesty, you can help so many women (and men) struggling with this.
Such a moving story of hope and the ability to be free. I loved reading this, and isn’t it amazing what changes when you become a parent? So many people suffer from this addiction and I hope they read your story and find hope. Hope that God loves them and change is possible.
Such a great story. I worked on an adolescent inpatient unit in which 80% of our patients suffered from eating disorders. I’ve never been where you have, but I’ve been the one trying to help and it’s a very tough addiction. So happy that you were able to break free!
Thank you Sue:) im sure that the work you did was impactful. It can be such a difficult time but any positivity is a beacon of hope:)
Sarah says
Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. I will be free of bulimia two years tomorrow, and it was one of your posts that inspired me after too many struggle filled years. The message that total freedom is possible is a very powerful one. I believe that is what spurred me to finally seek a better life. I have a daughter now too, and I am so happy that she won’t have to see that side of her mama.
This makes my heart so happy! More than anything else. I’m so glad that the story of my struggle helped you get through yours! Sending love to you and your family:)
Jennifer says
This was like reading my own story. I too struggled with anorexia and then bulimia, which I hid for many years from those close to me. It was running that broke my addiction to the binge/purge cycle and I am forever thankful for that. Thanks for sharing.
Such a powerful post. Even before we were playing the “let’s start a family” game, it was YOU being honest and sharing your own story that gave me faith that I too could release myself from the grips of eating disordered “life,” if it can so be called, and instead become a thriving, healthy role mother. Thank YOU for continuing to be vocal, honest and real. Much love!