Two weeks ago I ran The Eastern States 20 Miler in 2:33. That’s the fastest I’ve ever run 20 miles…in my entire life. I had a great run. The weather was beautiful, perfect even. I’d spent the weekend connecting with a friend. Everything was good. Until I saw this picture:
Image Credit: Jason Leach Photography
When the race photo popped up in my Facebook feed the night of the race and I instantly felt dissatisfied, everything that was good about the day vanished.
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I looked at myself and I saw: sluggish, slow and heavy.
Nothing like I’d felt during the race. I saw the ripple of cellulite in my thighs, arms that seemed to be sporting extra skin and the awkward drape of a too-small tank top. All I saw was this:
What I didn’t see was the smile and clearly happy face of a girl who is doing what she loves to do: run.
Later that night I showed my husband the picture. “I feel dissatisfied.” I said.
“Didn’t you have a great race?” He asked.
“Yes. I just don’t like the way I look.”
“Well,” came his response. “I think you look great.”
My outlook was hyper critical, I know that it is the remnants of the voice of my eating disorder.
But I know I’m not alone. We are all our worst critics.
Surveying photos of ourselves with a disdain that causes us to pick out every “flaw,” a sharp criticism we usually reserve only for ourselves. And sometimes for others. Some might look at this picture and say, “How could she be dissatisfied? I would be happy if I were that size.” And others might look at this picture and think, “How could she NOT be dissatisfied? I would never let myself look like that.” I’ve found that dissatisfaction is completely pervasive. It doesn’t matter what size or shape you are, the majority of women at one point or another are dissatisifed when they look in the mirror. Or at a picture.
[Dissatisfaction and insecurity can often lead to disordered behavior. Being open and honest about exactly how you feel can break the power of those lies and help you gain perspective.The difference between who I am now and who I was when I struggled with an eating disorder is due in part to the fact that I am honest about these hyper critical, disordered thoughts. I used to keep them to myself, now I share them freely with my husband, with friends and sometimes here on the blog.]
I still didn’t think I looked great. Until I saw this photo:
Photo Credit: Global Click Photography
And suddenly my perspective was restored with a healthy dose of laughter. I look effing ridiculous. So brilliantly, effing ridiculous that I’m going to have this photo put on a coffee mug, so that everytime I drink my coffee in the morning I’m reminded not to take myself too seriously. I love it.
I’m not the girl with the cellulite-rippled legs, I’m the girl with her tongue hanging out of her damn mouth. Yep. That’s me.
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Often times we allow photos of ourselves to hold incredible power. We let them make us feel insecure or dissatisfied.
We put the full weight of our worth into a bad photo, and forget to look at the “good” photos.
Not the ones where we look “good,” where our hair is at its best and the angle is just right, and the drape of our clothes is perfectly flattering. No, not those pictures, but the photos that hold the most meaning, the ones that have incredible power because they should.
Like this one.
When I see this photo I see a broken hearted, but strong mother. It was taken the moments after the recovery nurse put my four month old son in my arms after his first surgery. My face is blurry, my eyes hold tears. I’m trying to smile, to believe that everything will be OK. But in that moment I was devastated by a feeling of helplessness and fear. I was heartbroken for my hurting baby.
Or this one.
When I see this photo I see a mama who made it to the other side of the most difficult time in her life. Sophia took this picture of Jack and I. And in that moment I held Jack in the same way I held him two years earlier on the night we came home from his surgery. You can’t see them in this picture, but there are tears in my eyes as I remember that night. Where moments before I sat with him on the couch I had gingerly taken my little four month old from his car seat, trying not to disturb his surgical wounds. But he screamed in agony anyway and so did I, because I hurt so badly for my hurting baby. And my Mom, who was there to help, stood behind the couch and placed her hands on my shoulders, leaned down to kiss my cheek and prayed.
Or this one.
I see a woman who has given birth to three children. A woman who has been surprised by the strength of her own body to nurture and deliver new life into the world. I see a woman who is overcome with love for her child.
I see a mother.
Or this one, which happens to be one of my husband’s favorites.
I see a very tired, but very fulfilled mama. Taken last summer when Liam was just a month old, I remember being so anxious leading up to his birth. How could I possibly be the mother to three children? I felt so incapable. But then he arrived and life went on and I didn’t screw it up (or I’m trying not to screw it up). And I give this mothering thing my best every day because that little girl next to me, she wants to be like me. And that little boy with the mischievous smirk, he is watching. And the little bundle in my arms…well, he might just always be mama’s baby;)
What I see when I see me matters, because it affects what they see when they see me.
We can’t say photographs don’t matter. They do. They just have to matter for the right reason, hold the right kind of power. It’s up to us what kind of power we give them.
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What do you do with the photos that leave you feeling dissatisfied and discouraged?
-Sarah
I’ve also written about the difficult balance of accepting your body, but wanting to change it at the same time. You can find that post HERE.
If you or a loved one is struggling with an eating disorder or a distorted body image you can find helpful resources HERE. And a candid interview I did with my husband HERE.
I love connecting with readers! You can find me here:
Email: RunFarGirl [at] gmail [dot] com
Twitter: @RunFarGirl
Instagram: instagram.com/runfargirl
Facebook: Facebook.com/runfargirl262
Pinterest: pinterest.com/runfargirl
Daily Mile: dailymile.com/people/scanney
Amazing post!!
Thank you for sharing!
I should not be crying this early in the morning, but I am because your words are so true, so relatable and just so honestly beautiful. I love everything about this Sarah. I can SO relate to giving photos so much negative power…and also positive but it’s those negative ones that seem to linger. I absolutely have disordered thoughts and feeling about my body but I also talk freely about them to my friends or husband or basically anyone who will indulge me and then help set me straight. Thank you for this. I’m taking it to heart.
Your husband is right! I just started following your journey and I had no idea you had 3 small children, I am amazed and in awe of your resilience and determination and all that you do. We need to remember to honor the body that allows us to do incredible things. Thanks for such an honest, heartfelt post.
Wow… Just wow… I loved this post, Sarah! You are such an inspiration for me, and it is funny, because I didn’t notice your legs at all in your picture, I saw strong arms and that awesome smile of yours. You look Amazing!!!! I am always so impressed by your dedication to fitness with THREE children. I struggle enough to fit it in with just 1 child (okay, 2 if you include my husband ) Thank you so much for your honesty. You don’t hide your insecurities or imperfections, and I love that. We all have things we don’t like, and you make me realize that is okay, as long as we don’t let those thoughts rule our lives. Just recently you had posted a picture of us and I commented how I didn’t like the way I looked in it… But you know what- that picture was taken after we just finished a race, and I ran strong to the end up the hill- so that picture makes me proud. And it is our tradition as friends to run a St Patrick’s Day race… So that picture is a tradition living on 🙂 Thank you for helping me to see things differently. I love the other pictures you posted. I cried looking at those. They are amazing pictures! They are beautiful pictures! You are a beautiful woman, inside and out!
DiscoveringMeInThem (@Discoveringme2) says
Tears down my face as I read this. You are not alone in your feelings. I think you represent so many women who struggle with body image. What you give in return is hope and belief. You are driven. strong and so much more than a picture. Wonderful post!
Deborah says
Brilliant Sarah, absolutely brilliant!! I’ve never thought about the scars and eating disorder leaves behind or the ghosts that can stay with you. As someone who struggled with anorexia I can very much relate to the words you’ve shared. While our worth is not found in our physical appearance, it can be hard to wrestle with that. Thank you for such an encouraging and thoughtful post!! <3 <3
Ahh such a lovely, lovely post. Well said!!
My eyes are welling up, sitting in Panera that is a tad embarrassing, but who cares! It is true, we are often hyper critical when looking at our own images. From the perspective of your mom, all I see is beauty and strength. My baby girl, a beautiful woman, mom, athlete, who looks put together in her sweaty running gear. Who has strength beyond belief, tackling the unexpected problems with Jack with amazing grace and strength! A woman who is open and honest about struggles with eating disorders, body image, parenting toddlers. That open honesty has given strength to me and countless others. Honestly, that photo my first thought was muscle definition! Second thought, photos never show speed and focus… One or the other, you would have been a blur without focus! Love you forever!
This is such a powerful and beautiful post Sarah. And so honest. Thank you for sharing your words and your wisdom. It is all how we view ourselves and the words we use to describe ourselves. Our own words and thoughts about the way we look and our self-image can be the most destructive. I am so very self-critical and it is a dangerous slippery slope into feelings of low self-worth and poor self-esteem. It is so hard to be in a society now that demands so much perfection.
Becky Rhoads says
seriously amazing post….tearing up at work here.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the last picture!
Michelle Boudreau (@dreaminofdumguy) says
I’m glad I’m not the only one who was brought to tears by this post. I have the the SAME negative thoughts when seeing my race photos. “Gosh, if only I could have lost a couple of lbs in those darned thighs before the race, those photos would be amazing.” My first half marathon I trained and trained even when my husband was pretty sure I was going to quit, but I did it. And it wasn’t that terrible timing either (2:07 on a really hilly course) and I felt AMAZING about it. But then I went home and saw the race photos which I was originally so excited about. To this day I still haven’t posted those pictures anywhere because I was so embarrassed about my short shorts and my thunder thighs. Even writing about it I get choked up. Thank you for reminding me to look at the good and goofy and meaningful pictures too and not worry about the not-so-pretty ones. I need to remember that there are other people who can’t do what I do. I’m not the best, but I’m not living on the couch either….
God I can relate so much. Just from my race last weekend, which I felt great during, I looked at the photos and all I could see was how fat my face looked. And how pudgy my torso looked. Thanks for the reminder that those hold no power over me and to look at the good photos too.
AshB says
Thank you for your thoughtful and moving words. With only seven weeks until our first child’s due date, you are a continual inspiration of a beautiful runner mama to me.
Christine (@cyu888) says
This is such a beautiful post Sarah. It’s so true how those photos can hold so much power over us. I know they do for me. Not the staged ones or the IG worthy ones but the ones where my son or husband catch me off-guard and I can go to town nitpicking those photos and then deleting them. I definitely still struggle with a negative body image - it’s better but it’s always lingering there in the background. Thank you for sharing this. Love you!
I usually don’t look at race photos. The look on my face is usually the reason. I don’t think I have ever seen a finish line photo that I liked. And the angle from which the photo is taken is never all that flattering. We usually only see photos in magazines/online where it’s staged and the person’s expression is pleasant/flattering and it’s not the moment where the quad is bulging mid stride. Even in running/exercising the media portrayal of how we “should” appear is unattainable. Thanks for sharing!
I love you and I love this SO MUCH! I’m so inspired by your bravery in sharing this and your perspective in where you ended up after at the end. You are so strong and such a great mom, runner and role model. When I see you, all I see is a beautiful, strong friend, mom and runner who I aspire to run more like and can’t wait to be around in real life. Massive amounts of hugs.
Natalie Coplin says
Beautifully written. I couldn’t hold my tears back. This was so powerful to me. Thank you
You are one blessed mamma!!
ALL of your pictures show an amazingly strong, beautiful woman! The pics with the kids made me cry. I think I have my tongue hanging out in all of my pictures!! I fall into this trap too, especially now when I see gray roots, wrinkles thrown in too…Thank you for a wonderful reminder!
DannyK says
Beautiful and touching post. Thank you for sharing and Thank you for all your inspirational posts and never stop what you are doing and never change who you are.
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing this. It’s so hard to see race photos and try to equate what you see with how you felt in the moment. I know for me it never, ever matches up. And there are definitely race photos I haven’t bought, or never shared, because I’ve disliked how I looked in them so much. You are one amazing mother runner and I think your strength and beauty shines in every photo. Except maybe for the tongue one. 😉 But that one is fantastic, still.
Marie says
This is beautiful. Thank u for sharing. We are so hard on ourselves. I often joke with my running buddy that we need our own personal photo crew with us so we can have those amazing photos you see all over Facebook. Instead our race photos always look like we are dying.
But we forget the journey. How we get up before the sunshine. Before our families. Before we go to work.
We are strong powerful women. SUPERHEROES. Who run work manage a house mange the kids. And yes we run with our tongues hanging out.
Thank you for sharing. This was just beautiful.
I read this with tears in my eyes - it just summed up so beautifully something I know myself and many others struggle with daily. We let our own perceptions be overruled by an external influence like a photo, even though that photo represents a mere 2D moment of everything that we are. It could never represent everything we are. Thanks for the post - you have a wonderful family!
Thank you so much, Sara, for this beautiful and empowering post. I am often too hesitant to share race photos because of how I look in them, even if I’m proud of what my body and mind accomplished in that race. My muscles are bulging, I usually have a focused stare or (in the last mile always) a grimace of determination on my face, and that doesn’t translate to a pretty picture. It’s hard not to let those pictures have power over us! I always have to remind myself which would I rather have: a race that I enjoyed and ran strong, or flawless race day photos. The answer is always the former. Thank you for being so brave and inspirational!
I love your honesty and that you share your story with all of us. I appreciate your perspective and the fact that you don’t dwell on the negative thoughts but instead turn them into a positive lesson for yourself and others.
You’re a strong, amazing and admirable mother, runner and woman!
You are beautiful. You are strong, You have fabulous legs!!!
Thank you for sharing this post with us! I loved watching everyone running Eastern States. One day I will be able to do what you do! You inspire me with your dedication and your pure joy in running. You are a mom. You have small (adorable!) children. You took care of a child who had surgery (the most difficult thing in the world!). You are amazing. Thank you.
I’m also in the “I totally teared up while reading this” camp. Thanks for sharing this lovely post. <3
Love this post! Thank you for sharing! 🙂
Renata Williams says
Sarah, you are beautiful. You are a wonderful mother to 3 children and you motivate me. You are a real person -what you see is what you get. I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and they always put a smile to my face. However, this post gave me a few tears. You are strong and a great role model. Thanks for sharing your life and running tips too. I love running and I enjoy your training tips. Keep up the great work. Keep on being you. You rock!
Best wishes, Renata .
Matt Fowler says
Just a great post. I am constantly amazed and what mums are capable of, especially but not specifically running mums. I feel so selfish that I can just take myself off for a run when I want, without having to organise other peoples lives and have to adapt to them. My kids are grown up and self sufficient now so life is easier (in logistic terms NOT emotionally, that’ll never leave). I had tears too, I don’t mind admitting
Thank you for such and honest, empowering post!! Love reading your blog. 🙂
I am a runner. I will run until it hurts. Know how I know? Because I ran my flat feet until they warped. And then, after I had a plate, 7 screws, and a giant pin put in my foot to fix that damage, I ran to far too fast afterwards and stress fractured my calcaneous. Today. I realized the 5 vanity pounds running took off me were so important I would destroy my body to get rid of them. What. The. Hell. Photos will make you or break you. A mirror will do the same. But you know what’s the worst? Your mind. Who can you be once you no longer care how you’re viewed in any other lens than your own? I don’t know, but I know it’s high time I find out.
Dina says
this made me unexpectedly tear up…thank you for sharing! <3
I could have written this. I cried. Thank you for sharing.
This is so beautiful! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!! I too am a mama who has a history of disordered eating and poor body image. Sometimes it’s so easy to pick out the flaws without celebrating the greatness!
Beautiful post. Beautiful. I don’t read blogs much anymore and I rarely if every comment but it has been nice to be back a bit and see what is out here that I like and actually want to read… yours is one. Thank you. Keep writing.
Amazing post.
Ok, so I’m very late to this post…. But I listened to your podcast with DizRuns last week and read this post recently (along with a few others)…. This post resonated with me on many different levels… thank you.
Jennie Shafer says
I Love this.